EganView Jokes

She pulls out a syringe with a large needle to give him a shot of Novacaine.

“What’s that for?” he asked.

The dentist replied, “It’s to help you with pain during the extraction.”

The man said, “No. Don’t do that. I hate needles.”

So the dentist asked him if he’d like to try laughing gas. The man told her that masks make him feel like he’s suffocating, and refuses the gas.

Frustrated, the dentist asked, “How do you feel about taking pills?”

The patient said, “They’re okay. I don’t have any problem with them.”

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and told him to wait a few minutes.

The man asked the dentist, “What were those pills?”

She replied, “Viagara. You’re going to need something to hold on to while I’m pulling your tooth.”

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot coffee in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring into space.

She watches as he wipes a single tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

She asks, “What’s the matter, dear? Why are you here in the middle of the night?”

Her husband looks up from his coffee cup. and says, “Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating? We were only sixteen.”

The wife is touched to tears, thinking her husband is so sentimental. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

Her husband paused because the words were not coming out so easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car making love?”

The wife replied, “Yes, I remember,” as she sat in the chair beside him.

The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved his shotgun in my face and said, ‘If you don’t marry my daughter, I’ll send you to prison for twenty years?'”

“I remember that, too,” the wife replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

This continues for years until one day the driver said, “Ma’am, I’ve been appreciating the nuts from you all these years, but I have to stop eating them because I’m gaining too much weight.” 

The old lady said, “I’m sorry. I’ll just throw them away.”

The driver asked her, “Why don’t you eat them?”

The woman replied, “I just like sucking the chocolate off of them.”

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of the friends asked.

“It’s not a gong.  It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock?  Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment…….

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” 

“We’re taking Continental,” the lady said. “We got a great rate!” 

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are bitchy, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” 

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.” 

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” 

The lady then said, “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” 

“That’s hilarious,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

The lady left the hairdressers totally dejected, convinced that she had just booked the trip from Hell and was going to spend a ton of money on a vacation that she’d regret for the rest of her life!

A month later, the woman again came in for a haircut. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

“It was wonderful!” exclaimed the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked. They bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. 

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel…the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” 

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” 

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder. He explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, he would personally greet me.” 

“Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me.” 

“Oh, really! What’d he say?” 

He said: “Who f**ked up your hair?”

We had a few drinks and started chatting. I asked her how she lost her leg.

She said, “it’s due to me being a great negotiator. I had a business trip to Brazil and was able to get a private pilot to fly for half of the cost of a commercial flight. The plane malfunctioned and we crash landed in the Amazon jungle.”

I said, “Oh, so you cheaped-out and lost your leg in the crash, right?”

She replied, “No. We were perfectly fine. However, we landed in a territorial tribe’s land and they were going to kill us. But, with my amazing negotiating skills, we got out alive.”

I said, “Let me guess. You convinced them to take a leg, right?”

She said, “They let us go in exchange for a bag of chips that I had in my purse. They even escorted us out of the jungle and pointed us in the direction of the nearest city. Unfortunately, during the trek to civilization, I got a severe infection in my right foot.”

I said, “Ahh, so that’s how you lost your leg…due to infection?”

She answered, “Not at all! I had some antibiotics in my purse, so I was able to keep well enough to reach the city. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make a full recovery, and had to return to the US immediately for medical care. They were able to take care of me, and I’m now healthier than ever.”

I was confused, so I asked her, “Why is your leg gone?”

She smiled and said, “Well, the medical bill was going to cost me an arm and a leg. Like I said, I’m a great negotiator.”

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.

” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

One of the nuns suggested that they remove their garments and paint in the nude. That way, no paint would get splattered on their clothes. 

After an hour, there was a knock on the door. “Who is it?” asked one of the nuns. A voice answered, “Blind man!”

The nuns decided that since he couldn’t see, it would be okay for him to enter the room while they were naked. “Come on in!” shouted one of the nuns. 

The door opened, and a man walked inside. He looked around the room and said, “Nice tits. Now where do you want me to put these blinds?”

One day, while she was having lunch with a friend, the wife texted her husband. 

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. if you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. if you are crying, send me a tear.“

The husband sent her the following text back. “I’m sitting on the toilet. Please advise.“

His father said, That’s not a great idea because the girl next door is actually your sister. Please don’t tell your mother.”

A few weeks went by, and the son tells his father that he wants to date the girl two houses away from their home. Once again, the father says, “That’s not a good idea, son. That girl is also your sister. Please don’t tell your mother.”

This went on for months. Every time the son told his father about a girl he wanted to date, the girl ended up being the son’s sister. Finally, after being frustrated beyond belief, the son decided to talk to his mother.

His mother listened to his story. She gave him a hug and whispered in his ear, “Sweetie, you can date anybody you want. He is not your father.“

Her husband woke her up bright and early on her birthday. Off they went to an amusement park.

What a day she had. He put her on every ride there. She rode the Death Slide, the Ferris wheel, the Wall of Fear, all of the park’s roller coasters… she went on every ride available. 

Five hours later, she staggered out of the park, dizzy, and her stomach was upside down. 

Afterwards, her husband took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal, extra fries, and a large chocolate milkshake.

Then, it was off to a movie. She watched the latest Disney film that was out. 

Finally, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed on their bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like to be six again?“

Exhausted, she turned her head and looked at her husband. She said, “You idiot. I was talking about my dress size.“

The king was obviously concerned. “Good Lord,” asked the king, “What happened to you?”

The knight answered, “I’ve been hard at work lately, my Lord, battling your enemies from the North.“

The king said, “But I don’t have any enemies from the North.”

The knight replied, “You do now.“

The Englishman says to his wife, “Honey, could you please pass me the honey?“

The Scotsman thinks to himself that was very clever, and he says to his wife, “Sugar, could you please pass me the sugar?“

Not to be out done, the Irishman says to his wife, “Could you pass me the milk, you f#cking cow?“

She spent $15,000 and looked sensational. 

On her way home, she stopped at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. She asked the clerk if he could guess how old she was. He looked her up and down and said, “I would say you’re 28 years old.“ 

She said, “Nope, I’m exactly 50! Thank you very much!“

A little while later, she went into McDonald’s. She asked the counter girl the exact same question. The girl replied, “I would say you’re 29 years old.“

The woman said, “Nope! I’m exactly 50 years old today!’

She stopped at a candy shop on her way home to buy some mints. Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She asked the assistant behind the counter, “How old do you think I am?” 

The clerk replied, ‘I would say you’re 30 years old. The woman smiled broadly and said, “Today is my birthday and I’m 50!”

While waiting for the bus, the woman asked an old man standing next to her at the bus stop the same burning question.

He replied, “Lady, I’m 78 years old and my eyesight is failing. But when I was young, there was a surefire way to tell a woman’s age. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to allow me to put my hands under your bra and feel your breasts. Then, I can tell you exactly how old you are.“

They waited in silence on the empty street until finally her curiosity got the better of her.  She blurted out, “Oh what the hell? Go ahead!” 

He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and began to feel around. Very slowly and carefully, he bounced and weighed each breast, then gently pinched each nipple.

He pushed her breasts together, and rubbed them against each other.  After a couple of minutes, she said, “Okay. Okay. Come on. How old am I?“

He squeezed her breasts one last time, removed his hands and said, “Madam, you are exactly 50 years old.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman said, “That’s incredible. How could you tell my age?”

The man said, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

A Frenchman and an American was signing up when an elderly man from Belgium asked what they were doing. 

They explained to him that they were signing up for a competition to find the most ping-pong balls in the jungle. 

The old man says, “That sounds impossible. No one could ever do that. But if it’s the last thing I do before I die, I’m going to give it a shot.“ The others think that sounds a little drastic, but they let him sign up anyway.

First, the Frenchman goes into the jungle. After three days, he comes back with one ping-pong ball tucked under his arm.

Next, the American goes into the jungle. After one week, he comes back with three ping-pong balls.

Finally, the old man from Belgium goes into the jungle. He returns three weeks later, all cut up and bloody. His clothes are ripped to shreds. He was carrying two gigantic balls.

The Frenchman and the American asked him, “What happened?“

The old man says, “What idiot came up with the idea to search for King Kong‘s balls?“

The grandfather reached into a cooler and pulled out a beer.

His grandson asked, “Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa asked the boy, “Can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy replied, “No, of course not.”

The old man told him he wasn’t man enough to drink beer.

Later that day, Grandpa was smoking a cigar. His grandson walked up to him and asked, “Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa asked the boy, “Can your dick touch your ass?”

The grandson said, “No, it can’t.”

Grandpa said, “Then you’re not man enough to try cigars yet.”

A few hours later, the little boy was eating a handful of cookies. His grandfather asked, “Can I have a cookie?”

The boy asked his grandpa, “Can your dick touch your ass?”

The old man replied, “Of course it can.”

The grandson said, “Good. Go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me.”