Little Johnny Stories and Jokes To Share

Everyone knows Little Johnny stories and jokes. Since I married Big Johnny, I can just imagine these stories might involve my favorite husband!


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I need to make sure that they’re healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”


Finding Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to reprimand him.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a young girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”


One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can Little Johnny Stories and JokesI smoke some of your cigarettes?”

His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

“No”, said Little Johnny.

His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?”

His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

“No” said Little Johhny.

“Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?”

Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!”

Little Johnny replied, “Then go fuck yourself.


One day at the end of class, Little Johnny‘s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm. Every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck, and drive into town to sell them at the market. One day we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Johnny Stories and JokesLittle Lucy went next.

“My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.” Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was Little Johnny.

“My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”


A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with Johnny’s bad behavior, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, Little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

A while later, the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”

The teacher fainted.


Little Johnny kills a honeybee while playing in the backyard.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches himLittle Johnny Stories and Jokes tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”


A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of Lifesavers candy and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint. But when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor. He shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes!”


Did you enjoy these jokes? There’s more jokes at The Eganview!

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