The EganView Favorite Funny Geek Jokes – Edition #1

No one loves funny geek jokes more than me. I hope you enjoy these gems I found.


funny geek jokes, hot air balloonA man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”


A man crossed a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.funny geek jokes, frog

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I work in Information Technology. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”


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7 Retirement Ideas So You Don’t Lose Your Mind

retirement ideasYou’ve decided to retire. You don’t have to get up at the same time every day. You need retirement ideas – projects to do that keep your mind occupied. You want to feel the same sense of satisfaction when you were in the working world.

Do you remember daydreaming at work? Your mind wandered off into retirement land. You kept thinking “Oh, if I wasn’t working, I’d be ….”

You’re starting to lose your mind. You need retirement ideas to keep you from losing your mind.

You’ve come to the right place. I have a list for you to think about.

1.  Decompress.

You worked most of your life. You had a routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, sleeping, then repeat. It will take you between six months and one year to get accustomed to changing your routine. Don’t panic. Eventually you’ll be comfortable in your new no routine lifestyle. Put your retirement ideas off to the side for awhile.

2.  Travel.

Try traveling. Start out with day trips. Visit neighboring towns and eat at local restaurants.retirement ideas

Plan a road trip that will take weeks. Visit family and friends you haven’t seen in ages. You have no more excuses. You’re retired!

3.  Be a Snowbird.

How’s this for a retirement idea? You’re not tied down to one location anymore. You can live in the South during the winter. When the weather up North becomes bearable, live there. Do your research on the most affordable places to live. If you have pets, make sure they can go with you.

4.  Start a business.

Think about turning your passion into something to make money. Become a pet sitter. Drive people to the airport. How about house sitting for a fee?

5.  Try a sport.

There are plenty of sports that will get you out of the house and meet new people. Try riding a bike, water aerobics, tennis and golf to keep you busy.

6.  Volunteer.

Local hospitals and Veterans Administration Health Clinics need volunteers. Call your local food bank and see what you can do for them.

7.  Get a hobby.

This is my favorite retirement idea. Do you remember all the projects you started while you worked? You know what I’m talking about. I mean the ones you never finished. Now is a good time to get creative and finish them.


Amazing Cat Facts

For over fifty years, I was a dog person. Cats are too independent for my taste.

If you put a dog and your spouse in the trunk of a car and leave them for one hour, which one is going to be happy to see you when you open the trunk?

Bear the Pomeranian with Fergi the Cat

That all changed three years ago when I was scanning my Facebook news feed. I stopped scanning when I saw a picture of a cat named “Fergi” from the Pawsibilities Rescue Group that needed a home. She had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. Fergi was eight years old, long hair, and something inside my head told me inquire about her.

Long story short, Fergi came home with me a few days later. She let our dogs know they could sniff her when she said they could. It was like they had been together since birth.


I found these on buzzfeed.com and want to share them with you:

1.  Cats rub against people to mark their territory.

2.  When a family cat died in ancient Egypt, family members would shave off their eyebrows as they mourned.Kitten Picture

3. Black cats are bad luck in the United States, but they are good luck in the United Kingdom and Australia.

4.  Cats have scent glands along their tail, their forehead, lips, chin, and the underside of their front paws.

5.  Cats lick themselves to get your scent off.

6.  A cat can jump up to six times its length.

7.  When cats leave their poop uncovered, it is a sign of aggression to let you know they don’t fear  you.

8.  Cats can change their meow to manipulate a human. They often imitate a human baby when they need food, for example. Editor’s note:  I know this one very well!

9.  Cats make more than 100 different sounds whereas dogs make around 10.

10.  Cats have a longer-term memory than dogs, especially when they learn by actually doing rather than simply seeing.

11.  Basically, cats have a lower social IQ than dogs but can solve more difficult cognitive problems when they feel like it.

12.  The world’s richest cat is worth $13 million after his human passed away and left her fortune to him.

13.  Cats can’t taste sweetness.

14.  Owning a cat can reduce the risk of stroke and heart attack by a third.

15.  Cats sleep 70% of their lives.

16.  A group of cats is called a clowder.

17.  A cat has been mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, for 15 years. His name is Stubbs.

18.  Cats are often lactose intolerant, so stop givin’ them milk!

19.  Raw fish is not good for cats.

20.  A cat’s brain is 90% similar to a human’s — more similar than to a dog’s.

21.  Cats and humans have nearly identical sections of the brain that control emotion.

22.  Abraham Lincoln kept four cats in the White House,

23.  When asked if her husband had any hobbies, Mary Todd Lincoln is said to have replied “cats.”

24.  A cat has detected his human’s breast cancer.

25.  Cats can move their ears 180 degrees.

26.  Cats have free-floating clavicle bones that attach their shoulders to their forelimbs, which allows them to squeeze through very small spaces.

27.  Most cats don’t like water because their coats do not insulate them well enough.

28.  The Egyptian Mau is the oldest breed of cat.

29.  Cat owners who are male tend to be luckier in love, as they are perceived as more sensitive.

30.  Cat owners are 17% more likely to have a graduate degree.

31.  Cats have inferior daytime sight, but during the night they need seven times less light than humans to see.

Little Johnny Stories and Jokes To Share

Everyone knows Little Johnny stories and jokes. Since I married Big Johnny, I can just imagine these stories might involve my favorite husband!


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I need to make sure that they’re healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”


Finding Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to reprimand him.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a young girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”


One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can Little Johnny Stories and JokesI smoke some of your cigarettes?”

His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

“No”, said Little Johnny.

His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?”

His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

“No” said Little Johhny.

“Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?”

Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”

His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!”

Little Johnny replied, “Then go fuck yourself.


One day at the end of class, Little Johnny‘s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm. Every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck, and drive into town to sell them at the market. One day we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Johnny Stories and JokesLittle Lucy went next.

“My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.” Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was Little Johnny.

“My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”


A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with Johnny’s bad behavior, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, Little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

A while later, the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”

The teacher fainted.


Little Johnny kills a honeybee while playing in the backyard.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches himLittle Johnny Stories and Jokes tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”


A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of Lifesavers candy and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”Little Johnny Stories and Jokes

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint. But when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor. He shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes!”


Did you enjoy these jokes? There’s more jokes at The Eganview!

Cool Dog Fun Facts I Didn’t Know

I found some Cool Dog Fun Facts I think are interesting, and I want to share them with you!  Did you know dogs should have eye protection? Dog goggles are great when they’re riding in a car or bike!

My life would be empty without our dogs. When I need someone to talk to and I’m the only human in the house, my Miniature Schnauzer Murphy always listens. I truly believe dogs are tuned into our emotions.

My husband and I had an argument, and I needed to go for a walk to cool off. I decided to take our dog Buddy with me. Buddy, The Best Dog EverBuddy was a special dog. I rescued him from a puppy mill where he’d spent 11 years of his life. He was a white Miniature Schnauzer, and the people I rescued him from had his voice box removed sdogo when he wanted to bark, no sound would come out. Every time he wanted to bark, it broke my heart to see his mouth move without noise. I held his leash in my hand and called him out to the porch. Buddy had heard the argument. He couldn’t bark but he wasn’t deaf. Buddy walked up to my husband’s golf bag on the porch, lifted his leg, and peed all over it. What a great dog! I gave him extra treats that night.

 


1.  Do you remember Cracker Jacks? The name of the dog on the box is Bingo.[1]

2.  The Taco Bell Chihuahua is a rescue dog, named Gidget.[1]Chihuahua photo

3.  Dalmatians are totally white at birth.[1]

4.  Ozzy Osborne saved Susan’s (his wife) Pomeranian from a coyote. He tackled and wrestled the coyote until it released the Pomeranian.[1]

5.  Dogs are as smart as a 2 or 3 year old child. They can understand around 150 to 200 words, including signals and hand movements that have the same meaning as words.[2]

6.  Dogs like sweets more than cats do. Cats have about 473 taste buds, dogs have around 1,700 taste buds, and humans have around 9,000 taste buds.[2]

7.  In 1992, Countess Karlotta Libenstein of Germany left her dog Gunther III approximately $106 million.[1]

8.  The oldest dog was an Bluey, an Australian Cattle Dog who lived 29 years, 5 months. That’s over 160 years in human years.[1]

9.  It’s a known fact that petting dogs is proven to lower the blood pressure of dog owners.[2]

10.  There’s a survey out that says 33% of dog owners talk to their dogs on the phone or leave messages on answering machines while they’re away from home.[1]

11.  A “grumble” is a group of Pugs.[3]EganView.com Pug

12.  Basenjis are the only barkless dogs in the world.[4]

13.  Golden Retrievers are the best dogs to attract a date. Pit Bulls are the worst.[1]

14.  Dog nose prints are as unique as human finger prints. They can be used to identify them.[5]

15.  Chocolate, cooked onions, macadamia nuts, and anything with caffeine may be harmful to dogs.[5]

16.  Small quantities of raisins and grapes may cause renal failure in dogs.[5]

17.  Did you know dogs have 3 eyelids? The 3rd one is called a nictitating membrane or haw. It keeps the eye lubricated and protected.[6]

18.  Kublai Khan owned 5,000 dogs – that’s the most dogs ever owned by one person.[1]

19.  The American Kennel Club has been in existence since 1884.

20.  In Palding, Ohio, police officers are allowed to bite a dog to quiet it.[1]

21.  In ancient China, dog trainers were held in high esteem. A lot of dog domestication, dwarfing and miniaturization also occurred in China.[1]

22.  Puppies are born deaf, toothless, and blind.[5]New Born Puppy Picture

23.  Dogs can locate the source of a sound in 1/600th of a second. They can hear sounds 4 times farther than humans can.[5]

24.  Dogs can learn spoken commands easier if they’re giving in conjunction with hand signals and/or gestures.[2]

25.  Two dogs are enough to form a pack. A pack is more likely to chase and hunt than a single dog on its own.[2]


Our first Miniature Schnauzer loved riding on my scooter. I wanted to take him to work with me on the bike, but he needed eye protection. I found these dog goggles online, and the rest was history!dog goggles

Cool dog fun facts


REFERENCES

1Choron, Harry and Sandra Choron. Planet Dog: A Doglopedia. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Co, 2005.

2Bailey, Gwen. What Is My Dog Thinking? San Diego, CA: Thunder Bay Press, 2002.

3Bigler, Taylor. “Top 11: Oddest Collective Nouns for Groups of Animals.” The Daily Caller. March 27, 2013. Accessed: January 18, 2017.

4Coren, Stanley. How Dogs Think: Understanding the Canine Mind. New York, NY: Free Press, 2004.

5Budiansky, Stephen. The Truth About Dogs: An Inquiry into the Ancestory, Social Conventions, Mental Habits, and Moral Fiber of Canis familiaris. New York, NY: Penguin Putnum, Inc, 2000.

6Stefoff, Rebecca. Dogs. New York, NY: Benchmark Books, 2003

7Brewer, Douglas, Terence Clark, and Adrian Philips. Dogs in Antiquity: Anubis to Cerebrus The Origins of the Domestic Dog. Warminster, UK: Aris & Phillips, 2001.


I Had No Idea!

EganView's Pomeranian Bear

There’s plenty of fun facts we either didn’t know or forgot about.

This is a section of my blog where I dig deep and let you know what I’ve discovered. Chances are you forgot or didn’t know these fun facts, too!

If there’s some trivia you want me to investigate and report back, let me know in the comments section of this page.

We know there’s an answer out there. My job, find it!

The picture on the left is my Pomeranian, Bear. He’s not the smartest dog in the world, but what he lacks in brains he makes up for in looks.

My Bad

It’s 6:15 in the morning, and I just had a thought I can’t let go.

Ever notice how people don’t take responsibility for making mistakes? Take for example No Fault Car Insurance. Yes, it was an accident, but it was somebody’s fault.

So instead of “No Fault Insurance”, why don’t they have “My Bad” Insurance? You screwed up, so how about owning it?

That is all. Keep smiling!

DiatomaceousEarth Review For Pest Control

DiatomaceousEarth For Pest Control Review

My tomato plants were ravaged by caterpillars last year. The plants were in containers outside on our screened porch. Every caterpillar and bug from the wetlands found them. My plants were destroyed! I was at my wit’s end.

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50 Years of Wedded Bliss

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too. “Well,'”Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”

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